...every single tear that I had been trying to hold back for days, every sad emotion that I would distract myself from fell crushing on me. I cried through the entire flight. Listened to David Gray and cried. And yet, despite the sadness that still lingers with me and gets me teary eyed, I am so hopeful and optimistic … Looking back at the relationship this time last year, and even a few months back, I realize how much it has grown, how different it is from what once started as an undefined, equivocal, ambiguous relationship… All the uncertainties that I once had, all insecurities are gone. What I once asked for – continuity rather than commitment, is what I am finally able to see. I realize that I could not have been happier. That I cannot be happier now, from however many miles away… For now, it’s merely a distance of days, surviving time in short intervals [...] until I see you again. Soon. I promise.

"I have no way of knowing what future holds for me. I have no way of foretelling where I’ll be this time next year. Come what may, happen what will, I know I will make the best of it, since I’ve outlived so many summers and have so many more to come… The only thing I can ask for, the only thing I can wish for, is to be back in Richmond, once again, without an urgency to leave, without an expiration date, a stay that will feel that I have found home, of all the homes I’ve had and have willingly left behind…."

...Maybe I am merely avoiding confrontation, or perhaps I’m secretly trying to protect him from my own anger. Maybe I am just plain afraid that if I voice each and every frustration that I have, instead of letting things slide, I will create further complications and simply drive him away. That if I keep wanting to have my things too much my way, I will end up losing everything entirely. That if I show just how much this “seemingly petty stuff” affects me, I will alienate him and end up being rejected...

"Are you doing ok?"
"Yes."
"Is there anything you need?"
"No."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Can I get you anything?"
"Not really."

"You're beautiful."
"You're amazing."
"You're wonderful."
"You're the best."

Yet never enough. Never ever enough...

There is dread in my stomach. It keeps growing. It's sickening I'm sick. No, I'm not pregnant. I'm sad. Yet I'm easily comforted. Like a child. False comfort. False, false comfort. I'm bored. I never need anything. Or so I say. I'm difficult. Stubborn. Yet apprehensive. Docile. Pliable. Undemanding. I should be more like you. You are so perfect... And I'm so inappropriate in my mood swings and bouts of sadness.
I should be more like you. I wish I could be more like you...

False comfort. It's all but false comfort.

apprehension

You enter- i should be more like you.
Yet I am all nerves and knots. You are a gift. A souvenir.
I pray a little more...I am half -praying... and [you're so] perfect...

I have a little, a little, a little more.

Snippets from "Limited Access"
Rappel

and yesterday you said...

more in an endearing and joking way, to my endless tossing and turning -

"i feel like i'm holding on to a tornado, trying to make it stop twisting and spinning..."

as if you could find any more symbolic way of putting it.

There are questions you do not ask….
Because you no longer want to know the answers. You don’t need them, just like the questions themselves, they’re pointless…So you push these questions far back to the corner of your mind, keeping them quiet and still, locked.

And there are questions you do not ask no matter how badly you want to know the answers. You try to ignore them, hoping that these questions will outlive themselves and disappear completely from your event horizon…
It’s not important,
It does not matter- you keep saying to yourself… cause you know that deep down you already know the answers to even the unborn questions and the only thing you can do is accept them each in its own time.

And you live day by day in self inflicted bliss of denial and ignorance, choosing it as your only mode to exist, knowing that the only thing you can ask and hope for is that you wake up the next morning…

* I no longer question. I merely accept. And I’m no longer afraid of pain- you don’t question pain just like you don’t question your own happiness…

I’m no longer afraid of getting hurt- and by having realized this I seem to have somehow eliminated all the possible pain I may have to endure at whatever point in the future.