There comes a point in every relationship, when you are able to look at it from aside, describe it objectively, name it, write it out, pin it down and there, you're done, finished, because you're finally able to see it for what it is and once you do, you can no longer delude yourself about what it could or could not be. Or perhaps what you'd like it to be.
To quote a phrase from one of the previous posts of someone whose writing and critical ability i've come to highly admire, the purpose of a quote being that i dont think i can find better attributes for a relationship than what she once already described as "lukewarm, ambivalent, and equivocal..."
So for the lack of better terms:
A lukewarm, ambivalent, equivocal relationship, with no definitions, too many unspoken words and too much uncertainty. At it's best it's comfortable and comforting in its familiarity, at its worst it's got no reference points or indications that it could potentially grow beyond what it is and become something more definite, or rather, definable - that is objectively. And if i were to describe myself in this relationship i would be nice, agreeable, undemanding, yet at the same time slighly neurotic and sporadically emotional (at least at moments when i dont try to restrain myself), whereas he's calm, rational, level-headed in a non-flippant way, nice by his nature rather than by circumstances. This pretty much sums it all up, and yet to elaborate a little more (although i am not sure why i continue this pointless exercise), i'd give it a credit of being civilized to an extent that there are no sharp disagreements or unnecessary arguments, let alone fights, and that our differences are often reconciled in a quiet, compromising and complimentary way. It's a polite relationship. Respectful. Considerate towards each other's immediate needs and discomforts. And yet it still is what it is - a lukewarm, ambivalent, unequivocal relationship... and the question is, what do i do now, that i am finally able to objectively see it for all it is.
The truth is, i do not know what i want out of a relationship, any relationship, other than the little details of everydayness and the comfort of familiarity. And if there's something that i dread more than anything else, it is acting like a petty, unappreciative female, who is too hung up on immediate rewards of any given situation. But the thing is, i am unable to see beyond the immediate, the present moment. I guess i would like to see some kind of a continuity - not necessarily in form of a long-term commitment - for me commitment is more of an adjective that describes a present state rather than an implication of a bonding future. Continuity is less rigid, less defined and is more circumstantial - the irony being that these very circumstances most of the time cannot be predicted, let alone controlled. And right now i'm aware that i am sounding exactly like any other female in a similar, undefined state. Perhaps what i need is a slightly different, or a bit more positive perspective of a relationship that i highly value and appreciate. But at the same time, there's only so much positivism that i can pull our of thin air until i become bitter and alienated enough to actually realize that i might be deserving something more or maybe something different. But since for now this a a quiet relationship and i'm the undemanding one, i will digress, if for nothing else, at least for the sake of keeping its appearance of politeness.
To quote a phrase from one of the previous posts of someone whose writing and critical ability i've come to highly admire, the purpose of a quote being that i dont think i can find better attributes for a relationship than what she once already described as "lukewarm, ambivalent, and equivocal..."
So for the lack of better terms:
A lukewarm, ambivalent, equivocal relationship, with no definitions, too many unspoken words and too much uncertainty. At it's best it's comfortable and comforting in its familiarity, at its worst it's got no reference points or indications that it could potentially grow beyond what it is and become something more definite, or rather, definable - that is objectively. And if i were to describe myself in this relationship i would be nice, agreeable, undemanding, yet at the same time slighly neurotic and sporadically emotional (at least at moments when i dont try to restrain myself), whereas he's calm, rational, level-headed in a non-flippant way, nice by his nature rather than by circumstances. This pretty much sums it all up, and yet to elaborate a little more (although i am not sure why i continue this pointless exercise), i'd give it a credit of being civilized to an extent that there are no sharp disagreements or unnecessary arguments, let alone fights, and that our differences are often reconciled in a quiet, compromising and complimentary way. It's a polite relationship. Respectful. Considerate towards each other's immediate needs and discomforts. And yet it still is what it is - a lukewarm, ambivalent, unequivocal relationship... and the question is, what do i do now, that i am finally able to objectively see it for all it is.
The truth is, i do not know what i want out of a relationship, any relationship, other than the little details of everydayness and the comfort of familiarity. And if there's something that i dread more than anything else, it is acting like a petty, unappreciative female, who is too hung up on immediate rewards of any given situation. But the thing is, i am unable to see beyond the immediate, the present moment. I guess i would like to see some kind of a continuity - not necessarily in form of a long-term commitment - for me commitment is more of an adjective that describes a present state rather than an implication of a bonding future. Continuity is less rigid, less defined and is more circumstantial - the irony being that these very circumstances most of the time cannot be predicted, let alone controlled. And right now i'm aware that i am sounding exactly like any other female in a similar, undefined state. Perhaps what i need is a slightly different, or a bit more positive perspective of a relationship that i highly value and appreciate. But at the same time, there's only so much positivism that i can pull our of thin air until i become bitter and alienated enough to actually realize that i might be deserving something more or maybe something different. But since for now this a a quiet relationship and i'm the undemanding one, i will digress, if for nothing else, at least for the sake of keeping its appearance of politeness.
posted by Nika at 7:00 AM
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